A Guide On Heroes To Play While Drunk
Lack of coordination, impaired judgment, shortened attention span, narrower field of vision, and a tendency towards regretful decision making are some consequences of alcohol, but they aren’t too far off from resembling a beginner at Dota. New players stalk around the map, aimlessly fumbling their spells.
While alcohol can significantly hamper your ability to do just about anything, it has some unheralded benefits when it comes to Dota. Increased confidence, sociability, and decreased anxiety are also sound principles for playing well. In some ways, the criteria for picking a hero to play while inebriated is fine advice for the average Dota player.
How To Pick A Decent Hero
For example, one, would be do no harm. Do not choose a hero where unguided decisions can potentially turn a team fight. This category includes heroes with spells that can be detrimental to your team, such as Faceless Void, Tusk, Pudge. An errant Chronosphere, Snowball or Hook is a quick ticket to a Top Fails video.
Two, keep it simple. There’s no need to play Chen or Beastmaster—two of the top five heroes in the 5k+ bracket—when you already have trouble controlling one unit. There’s a reason why heroes like Spectre, Zeus, and Omniknight have historically been on top of the win rate charts. Even if your fine motor skills have gone awry, anyone can press “R”.
Three, pick a winning hero. Win rates in pubs tend to indicate the overall impact of that hero, since the majority of pub players are of average skill. It’s very rare that an effective hero in the 3-4k bracket is ineffective in the 4-5k+ bracket (usually the opposite is the case.). This criteria excludes a hero like Io, who has a >50% win rate in the 5k+ bracket, even if it would be amusing to witness some Relocate antics.
Phase 1: Euphoria
Where it all begins. Ballooning self-confidence, feet coming off the brakes. Heroes here benefit from a player’s exuberance and unabashed instinct to pull the trigger and initiate.
Legion Commander is one of the first obvious candidates. She’s the fourth most popular hero, with 43.08% of her games played in the jungle. It doesn’t matter how poor your fine motor skills are when you’re fighting neutrals. Junglers in pubs have a laissez-faire type of attitude anyway, so it wouldn’t be a deviation from the norm if your Legion Commander is whacking the small camp when a team fight occurs a few steps away. 
Invoker, even after a series of nerfs, is at a point where you don’t need to be a savant to be effective with him. To pick Invoker is a sign of the kind of poorly laid plans in this phase. It sounds like a good idea, until it isn’t. Despite this, Cold Snap and Alacrity are still as potent as ever to dominate the lane. 
Enigma. Like Legion Commander, Enigma is a jungling hero that, regardless of the player, will more likely than not win against the jungle. The difference would be turning on the mic and shouting “BLACK HOLE” when appropriate.
Clockwerk. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Solid life (and hockey) advice from Wayne Gretzky that also applies to Dota. Leave the planned, tactical skill shots to the pros and go with the gut when hooking in pubs.
Phase 2: Lethargy
Delayed reactions, impaired vision, and poor memory. The realm of “Press R” heroes. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t managed a creep kill in the past ten minutes, or if you have no clue of what’s even happening around you, you can still manage to impact the game.
Zeus has historically been in the top 10 win rates of our charts (4th all time). 
Arc Lightning is a near risk-free way to last hit, while using 
Thundergod's Wrath periodically is more than enough to help your team. Zeus almost has a greater than 54% win rate in all lanes, with his lowest being in the safe lane, where he is more likely used as a support. 
Witch Doctor. Throw the coconut and look at it go. 
Lich is one of the usual recommendations for first time Dota players. Another “Press R” hero but Sacrifice allows you to be effective even as you drift in and out of consciousness.
Spectre. If Badman can ride Spectre to 8K MMR, there has to be some value to everyone else. Pressing R gives everyone else double vision. Spectre has been one of the most effective heroes on the win rates charts, at one point in 6.85 exceeding usual kings, Abaddon and Omniknight.
Ancient Apparition. A hero where it’s acceptable to be where your teammates isn’t, under the guise of “getting levels” and “farming support.” It also helps that you can still be effective from the fountain, periodically casting 
Ice Blast between drinks.
Phase 3: Supreme Confidence
Nothing can hurt you. These heroes benefit from overestimating your own abilities, particularly because everyone else underestimates them.
Wraith King. A “press Q” hero. He only has one skill to use, and if you don’t use it, that’s fine too. Wraith King’s resilience and simplicity has made him historically one of the top carries to use in pubs. 
Phantom Assassin benefits from the underestimation of the people playing against her, making it a ripe situation for users hoping to string together critical strikes. PA also has great synergy with two of the rising supports in the meta: Dazzle and Vengeful Spirit.
Bristleback is another beneficiary of uninformed pub players. Even in competitive play, his tankiness is often misjudged. 
Bristleback is one of the best defensive passives in the game, and it also kicks in when you decide to run away after making a terrible decision.
Spirit Breaker Take a page from MVP.March’s play at TI5, who unabashedly charged any visible hero.
No Regrets
In Dota, there is no need for a moral hangover--the kind of lingering guilt from our actions the night before. It's only a game, where the consequences end once that score screen comes up. There are no lasting repercussions from feeding a death and throwing the game. The only recourse is to just move on and find a new game, realizing that anyone, with or without a buzz, can play with confidence.
yaaaaay first?
3rd?
Very informative, thanks.
3rd, suck my mushi!!
2nd should be me
I play these heroes all the times even if I am not drunk!
Great read, I passed out halfway through the first time.
I have found that most games with those off the sober end are quite enjoyable. Rarely are these games won, but getting picks that have recipes for disasters often are what makes the game end seemingly much quicker for our opponents (Pudge, Magnus, Sniper ulting the catapults, etc.). Even a drunk Earth Spirit can make a lost game a joyride.
Also, the Enchanted Mango currently has a 34.42% win rate. Together, we as a community, have the ability to fix this problem and end this horrific tragedy. Please help. It is our duty as gamers to give this item the respect it is due.
Old spirit breaker bash is gone though :c rip true 17%
Strength heroes in general are drunkard-friendly, I know this because I only play while drunk or stoned lol.
You can usually soak up a bit more hits than the average bear when you've got a few strength boosting items and be okay. So long as you don't do anything too dumb like feeding at the 0:30 mark
I like turtles
I recommend supports when playing stoned. While drunk go for pudge or something :D
tl;dr how to ruin a game for everyone else
finally some useful real life advice
Super!
Mby i'm drunk...
Drunk and wanna play support? Play Earth Spirit, hopefully you stun an enemy.
Drunk Meepo best Meepo
R U Fucking serious Dotabuff? I just lost my respect. How about you go play CS:GO drunk? P.S. this is excuse NR 1 to the noobs like you every time they fail there games. "Oh but, I'm or high\drunk and don't have life." Every one of you that play Dota after getting drunk obviously don't know why adoult people are drinking in the first place. Go to sleep and stop ruining our games you social failiers. Real man can take alcohol in messures and play ANY hero.
Might as well write about the best griefing heroes
I remember i used to play tidehunter when i was drunk. Those insane ravages one can only dream of *.*
Awesome guide, totally trying it tonight.
heuheuheu
This is probably the best guide I've ever read.
You recommend that the god of grimorum be played drunk with alacrity and cold snap? I have lost my respect for your writings. Unthinkable!
nicely done, sarcasm also high in this one :p
Nice article ; )
Very helpful!
Drunk dark seer. Stand there and send ion shells into lanes.
ALSO TO NOTE
This applies 4 when you're tired as well, everybody stays up till sunrise playing dota at some point.
This is the kind of shitstain i'd expect to find on something like RPS.
Some people have apparently missed the sarcastic tone of this article completely. :)
Dang I had to read this!!!
you forgot to mention the article is better read when drunk. great job as ever :)
Good article..i play these heroes even when sober so might as well drink to it hahaha!
PA does not belong in Phase 3. The hero is trash without boatloads of farm and if you can't last hit, you are worthless.
Best hero to play drunk is anti-mage. Just afk farm all game and blink out when you do something stupid, then get a heart and wreck everyone
i love you and this is BEST FUCKING META, but knew most before, fun read anyways
Everything is clear now...all my teammates was drunk... and me too... all that games that i loose
I played Meepo on acid once.
Great guide!
On with the drinks!
Fucking guide, just lost 4 matches drunk.
Был бы русский перевод ((
I played drunk exclusively up until last month.
Where was this guide then!?
@Philosobro King How many Meepos were there?
@eggs Nice guide! Correction for the AncientApp paragraph: "isn't" should be 'aren't'.
A guide on heroes to play while drunk comes out on my 21st birthday. It's fate you guys.
i might write up a list of heroes to play while blazed, stoned dota > drunk dota always, you let go of all your rage and if you ain't a lightweight it helps you focus on individual tasks like last-hittin, stacking on time or checkin map with great detail and heroes who generally rely on a singular role but to a more technical degree can be played; my personal fave's treant with the global never lettin' team die.
It was a coconut? I thought it was a cask? No wonder you get stunned.
Simple, you drunk, dont get bara (or any ganking yolo hero). Get tide, abadon, omini, warlock, centaur.